Neoastrology by Wythe Marschall

Being a treatise on the future of prognostication.

The existing Western Zodiac is full of outmoded emblems which originated in Babylon and have, over the three millennia since, acquired an unhealthy crust of check-out-aisle psychology. Neither myths nor carriers of true insight, the Zodiac symbols are today little more than confused archaisms. What the shit, for example, is a “sea-goat” (Capricorn), and why is that poor half breed creature “an introvert” destined to date a crab (Cancer)? What can a sea-goat possibly tell us about our world? We live in a new millennium. We need a new Zodiac—a workable, relevant, contemporary Zodiac: A ZODIAC 2.0.

First, let us undismissively examine our roots.

The Analog Zodiac

1. Aries, God of War (March–April)
The aggro self-starter

2. Taurus, The Bull (April-May)
The chill but unreflective dumbass

3. Gemini, the Twins (May–June)
The bipolar talker

4. Cancer, the Crab or Crayfish (June–July)
The possessive mother

5. Leo, the Lion (July–August)
The self-centered politician

6. Virgo, the Virgin (August–September)
The sensitive perfectionist—crafty, a little OCD

7. Libra, the Scales (September–October)
The mediator

8. Scorpio, the Scorpion (October–November)
The stubborn but sexy punk

9. Sagittarius, the Centaur Archer (Nov.–December)
The idealist libertarian

10. Capricorn, the Aquatic Goat (December–January)
The serious businessperson

11. Aquarius, the Water-Bearer (January–February)
The Marxist

12. Pisces, the Fish (February–March)
The melancholy dreamer/psychic

Okay, moving right along. We proudly present the New Deal of Zodiacs. The Main Event. The Mystery-Flavor Doritos of Mythology. That’s right! This is your future’s future:

Zodiac 2.0

…And now YOU have been empowered with the ancient
mystical secrets of the cultural cosmos! YOU too
may go forth and annoy your friends when they start
dating someone who’s patently, obviously terrible for
them. That’s the point of the Zodiac, right?

ORDER TODAY TO RECEIVE ALL TWELVE ZODIAC SYMBOLS CAST
IN COLLECTIBLE* BRONZE BY THE UNITED STATES SOCIETY FOR
NEW MYTHOLOGY AND WICKER FURNITURE PRESERVATION HURRY
NOW SUPPLIES WON’T LAST SPECIAL OFFER GUARANTEES SAME-DAY
SHIPMENT TURN THAT FROWN UPSIDE-DOWN WITH DOUBLE THAT’S
RIGHT DOUBLE THE COLLECTIBLE* ZODIAC SYMBOL AND REAL
CONSERVATION HEARTLAND WICKER FUN FOR TEN LOW PAYMENTS AT ONE
LOW PRICE OF $58.58 PER PAYMENT AND IF YOU ACT NOW WE’LL THROW
IN THIS REMARKABLY CUTE MUTANTO “CRAB ME A COOL ONE, TOO!”
BEER COOZY ABSOLUTELY FREE!**

*Collectibility not guaranteed by USSFNMAWFP. Products subject to suppliability. Product discounts available with some reservations. Please see full eligibility information on our website. USSFNMAWFP does not offer refunds on products due to collectibility fluctuations, market stock-up, and/or product malfunction. Please see full refund policy on our website, or visit one of our store locations to speak to a representative. Representative not guaranteed on given day. Please see full engagement policy on our website.
**Offer limited while supplies last. USSFNMAWFP and Mutanto Beer Coozy do not endorse drinking of alcohol by minors. Subject to state and federal regulation. May pose choking hazard to children under 3.

 

PreviousNext

FacebookTwitterGoogle+Share

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>