Being a treatise on the future of prognostication.
The existing Western Zodiac is full of outmoded emblems which originated in Babylon and have, over the three millennia since, acquired an unhealthy crust of check-out-aisle psychology. Neither myths nor carriers of true insight, the Zodiac symbols are today little more than confused archaisms. What the shit, for example, is a “sea-goat” (Capricorn), and why is that poor half breed creature “an introvert” destined to date a crab (Cancer)? What can a sea-goat possibly tell us about our world? We live in a new millennium. We need a new Zodiac—a workable, relevant, contemporary Zodiac: A ZODIAC 2.0.
First, let us undismissively examine our roots.
The Analog Zodiac
1. Aries, God of War (March–April)
The aggro self-starter
2. Taurus, The Bull (April-May)
The chill but unreflective dumbass
3. Gemini, the Twins (May–June)
The bipolar talker
4. Cancer, the Crab or Crayfish (June–July)
The possessive mother
5. Leo, the Lion (July–August)
The self-centered politician
6. Virgo, the Virgin (August–September)
The sensitive perfectionist—crafty, a little OCD
7. Libra, the Scales (September–October)
8. Scorpio, the Scorpion (October–November)
The stubborn but sexy punk
9. Sagittarius, the Centaur Archer (Nov.–December)
The idealist libertarian
10. Capricorn, the Aquatic Goat (December–January)
The serious businessperson
11. Aquarius, the Water-Bearer (January–February)
12. Pisces, the Fish (February–March)
The melancholy dreamer/psychic
Okay, moving right along. We proudly present the New Deal of Zodiacs. The Main Event. The Mystery-Flavor Doritos of Mythology. That’s right! This is your future’s future:
…And now YOU have been empowered with the ancient
mystical secrets of the cultural cosmos! YOU too
may go forth and annoy your friends when they start
dating someone who’s patently, obviously terrible for
them. That’s the point of the Zodiac, right?
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