Which Trout are You?: A Quiztionnaire

To can help you reveal your writerly inner self…

1. If you were a form of prepared potato which would you be?
a. Curly fries
b. Mashed fingerlings
c. Raw doused in extra virgin olive oil set on fire
d. Twice-baked

2. What natural or historic disaster best describes your romantic failure?
a. The cyanobacterial oxygenation of the atmosphere, ~3 billion years ago, attested to by biogenic stromalites
b. 1906 San Francisco earthquake
c. Katrina
d. Napoleon’s Russian campaign

3. What Shakespeare play cleaves closest to your heart?
a. Coriolanus
b. Macbeth
c. “E tu, brute?”
d. 12th Night

4. What is your favourite guilty pleasure?
a. Spelling words in the British manner (e.g., “favourite,” “endeavour”)
b. Swan’s blood
c. Black n milds. I possess an inner gangsta despite lack of external evidence
d. Cheddar and sour cream potato chips

5. What is your favourite colloquialism?
a. “Guys—I got this.” [Removes shades (or, in my case, glasses) with extreme slowness and meaning]
b. “Lager,” meaning Yuengling in the Philadelphia Area
c. Blow sunshine up my ass
d. Cake in the rain

6. How would you prefer to die?
a. I have no plans to die; my cognitive apparati will be uploaded to the grid and then downloaded into a synthetic body modeled after Tom Selleck
b. In a room full of hippies in a drum circle, with people dancing and adorned in feathers
c. Never
d. Drown in the ocean

7. What do you anticipate being your greatest contribution to mankind?
a. My writing and/or my rap songs about Georges Bataille and Gilles Deleuze
b. My collection of mix tapes
c. My magnificent yet nearly unwritten magnum opus
d. Resisting apathy/staying out of the way

8. What, in your opinion, is the best thing since sliced bread?
a. Sexual liberty
b. Italian bread with sesame seeds
c. Knife
d. Penacilin

9. Do you have a drunk trick or party trick other than mere drinking?
a. I can freestyle rap with amazing skill and ease
b. Bumming a cigarette
c. I speak French fluently
d. I can stick my entire fist in my mouth

10. What is your favourite cheese?
a. Garroxta
b. Chedda
c. True blood
d. Vermont cheddar

11. What do you think would be the highest form of punishment?
a. Castration, in space, while being tickled
b. Exile
c. Children
d. Eternal boredom with a bad case of hemorrhoids

12. What is your least favourite cheese?
a. “American”
b. Blue
c. I despise all cheese
d. Kraft Singles

13. If you could rid the world of one thing what would it be?
a. Besides American cheese? I can’t decide between the internal fascism of religiosity, the hollowing-out machine of capitalism, global warming, or anti-intellectualism. I’ll settle for definitively ridding the world of my former employer, Nick Scumbag W—. That guy refuses to pay me the $900.00 (US)
he owes me from a freelance copywriting gig. What a fucking douchebag. What an unbelievable horror from outside of time. I fucking loathe that putz. Do you hear me, Nick? You suck. That’s your job. When you file your taxes, you put “sucking” as your primary source of income. Eat a fart
b. Office jobs
c. Selfishness
d. Free-market capitalism

14. What is your favourite word?
a. Syzygy
b. Doodie
c. I love all words. The longer the better
d. Avuncular

15. What animal do you feel you have the most in common with?
a. I have nothing in common with animalia and vastly prefer the company of vegetables. My spirit vegetable is the artichoke: Complex, bitter, good-hearted, an unlikely but true friend to humanity
b. Sloth
c. Raven
d. A three-legged dog

16. Who is your favourite literary, film, or television character who is performing as hired help?
a. Wodehouse from Archer. He has a pet macaque that helps
him shoot up! That’s so fucked!
b. Shelly Johnson in Twin Peaks
c. Tony Danza from Who’s The Boss
d. Jeeves

17. What is your least favourite sound?
a. Country music
b. Car alarm
c. My mother’s voice
d. Gum snapping

18. What is your favourite smell?
a. Honeysuckle/hay/hair of sleepy woman
b. Dinner
c. Lemons
d. Waffles

19. What is the most serious medical calamity you have ever endured?
a. Diagnosis of pseudo papilledema (appearance of swollen
optic nerve) as a child
b. Mysterious spider bite in Nicaragua
c. Broken nose
d. Steak knife through my palm

Answer Key:
Mostly A’s Wythe
Mostly B’s Belski
Mostly C’s Rosie
Mostly D’s Stephen

 

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